Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, “what?” So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”
Posts Tagged ‘urine’
Urine sample, feces sample and a blood sample
Thursday, July 9th, 2009Classroom Observation
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”
Diagnostic Computer
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “Ya know, my damn elbow hurts like hell! I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen my friend, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It only takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor!”
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. WOW! AWESOME! He is blown away!
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. Hmmmm………so he proceeds to mix some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure!
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And, if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your damn elbow will never get better!