Daughter returns home after a party night obviously still quite drunk but in great mood and holding her pants
“Where were you? Who were you with? What did you do?” asks the terrified mother
“Where - I don’t know. With who - I have no idea. What - I don’t know what’s it called, but starting today it’s my new hobby!” replied the daughter
Posts Tagged ‘sex’
New hobby
Wednesday, August 26th, 2009Signs
Saturday, July 18th, 2009Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times.”
Making a cake
Friday, July 17th, 2009A little girl and her mother were walking through the park. One day they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl asked: “Mummy, what are they doing?”
The mother hesitates then quickly replies: “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”
The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?”
Shocked, the mother asks: “How do you know?”
She says: “Because I licked the icing off the sofa!”
Sexual Disorder
Monday, June 29th, 2009There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
“What condition does he have?” the student asks.
“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”
The Pope must have sex!
Saturday, June 27th, 2009The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause….
The Pope replied, “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.”
“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.”
“And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourthcondition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
Alien sex
Friday, June 26th, 2009Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn’t stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn’r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!
She paddled our buts for sucking our thumbs!
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs.”
Old timers
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009There was this really old guy at an old-timer’s dance, and the problem was that he hadn’t had any sex for a long time. He’d been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn’t scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, “I’m having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I’ll give you 20 bucks!”
She says, “I’m willing, let’s go”.
They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can’t get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she’s got to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, “Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks”.
Surprised, she says, “If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”
Three times
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. “Three times,” gasped Manny admiringly. “How’d you do it?” “It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.” “I gotta try it,” said Manny. “Lorraine won’t believe it’s happening.” So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. “What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?” “What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?”
Certificate for two hours of sex
Monday, June 22nd, 2009Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”