Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!”
Posts Tagged ‘Just jokes’
Someone is going to get a spanking!
Tuesday, July 14th, 2009What did you learn today?
Monday, July 13th, 2009The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Preacher playing golf on sunday
Monday, July 13th, 2009There was once a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was a complete and utter obsession.
One Sunday it was an absolutely perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there was no wind, there were no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and finally the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him he was too sick to take the Sunday service, he loaded up the car and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Without a care in the world he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, “Look at that preacher. I think he should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to the Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”
The Lord smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”
FBI recruitment test
Monday, July 13th, 2009The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
“Do you love your wife?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“Do you love your country?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“What do you love more, your wife or your country?”
“My country, sir.”
“Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says “I can’t do it…”
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says “What happened?!?!”
“The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”
Camouflage Jackets
Monday, July 13th, 2009Last Saturday afternoon I just happened to be passing the Army & Navy Surplus Stores, so I decided to drop in and take a look around.
After four or five minutes I went up to the man at the counter and said, “Great selection, but where are your camouflage jackets?”
“Yes sir, they’re awfully good, aren’t they?” he replied.
What can I get for a rib?
Sunday, July 12th, 2009After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said “Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.”
Adam said “Great! How much will she cost me?”
The answer came back, “An arm and a leg.”
“Well,” said Adam “what can I get for a rib?”
Jesus is a stupid name for a pit bull
Sunday, July 12th, 2009A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you”. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said “Jesus is watching you”. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, “yes.”
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, “Moses.”
The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”
The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus”.
Praying in the Traffic
Sunday, July 12th, 2009A London police officer apprehends a cycling priest for letting go of the handlebars so he could pray while on the move: “I hate to do this, reverend, but I’m going to have to fine you five pounds for cycling without due care on a public highway.”
“Oh golly Moses! I assure you there was no real danger, officer. Did you not notice how the guiding hand of the good Lord was steering me in and out of the traffic?”
“I can’t say I did, sir. But since you come to mention it, that’ll be another five pounds for carrying a passenger.”
A Really Bad Day
Sunday, July 12th, 2009It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”
The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.
“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”
Money Saving
Saturday, July 11th, 2009During a heated spat over finances the husband said, “Well, if you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid.”
The wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah??? Well, if you’d learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”