Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day, and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines.”
“What did you do?” the second nun asked.
“I threw them in the trash, of course.”
“Well,” said the second nun, “I was in the Father’s room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms.”
“What did you do?” the first nun asked.
“I poked holes in them.”
“Oh, crap,” said the third nun.
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.
The hunter’s shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. “You are hunting me, I’ll bet”, said the bear. “You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!”
The hunter didn’t want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.
The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.
The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly’s offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, “I am starting to think you aren’t really comming for the hunt, are you?
3 guys, a grandpa, and a beatiful girl all lived in a small town. All of the guys wanted to marry the girl so the grandpa told them, whoever has the biggest balls by the end of the 2 weeks will get to marry her.
So guy #1 goes to the doctor and tells him: “i need bigger balls by the end of 2 weeks, any help?”. The doc. saids: “Sure, take these pills, 2 a week and your balls will be big!”
Guy #2 does to the same doctor, but intead of taking 2 a week he took 4 a week.
Guy # 3 also goes to the doctor and tells him the situation, but instead, he takes all the pills!
Two weeks passed and they went to the grandpa. He start checking their balls.
He checks guy#1 and says “hmm, baseball size! Good, good”. Then goes to guy#2 and says “hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm, basketball size - very good!”
Then he goes to guy#3: … wait, where is he?
A guy near buy yells “Roll em in, Charlie!”
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. “No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, “If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, “What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”
The kid smiles and says, “I would be a bus driver!”
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies
“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn”t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars put the seats back and screwed each other senseless.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you”re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I”ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I”ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”
How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!”.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit”.
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.”
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper”.
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh doctor, doctor!” she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. “Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: “Change of plan, I’m gonna drown the bastard!!”
Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter ‘I’.
Susie: “I is …”
Teacher: “No, no, no, don’t say ‘I is’, you say ‘I am’”.
Susie: “OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”