Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /media/disk-2/htdocs/workcountdown.com/htdocs/blog/wp-settings.php on line 520

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /media/disk-2/htdocs/workcountdown.com/htdocs/blog/wp-settings.php on line 535

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /media/disk-2/htdocs/workcountdown.com/htdocs/blog/wp-settings.php on line 542

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /media/disk-2/htdocs/workcountdown.com/htdocs/blog/wp-settings.php on line 578

Deprecated: Function set_magic_quotes_runtime() is deprecated in /media/disk-2/htdocs/workcountdown.com/htdocs/blog/wp-settings.php on line 18
Drunk

Posts Tagged ‘drunk’

Saying the right thing at the right time - Priceless

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Drunk on the sidewalk

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?”

“Yep!”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yep.”

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?”

“Yep.”

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?”
“Yep.”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yep.”

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, save me from this man. He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

Alcohol challenge

Friday, May 15th, 2009

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.