How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How is an apple like a lawyer?
July 14th, 2009A Bumble Bee
July 14th, 2009One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!”.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit”.
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.”
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper”.
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh doctor, doctor!” she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. “Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: “Change of plan, I’m gonna drown the bastard!!”
Make a sentence with “I”
July 14th, 2009Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter ‘I’.
Susie: “I is …”
Teacher: “No, no, no, don’t say ‘I is’, you say ‘I am’”.
Susie: “OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Someone is going to get a spanking!
July 14th, 2009Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!”
What did you learn today?
July 13th, 2009The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Preacher playing golf on sunday
July 13th, 2009There was once a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was a complete and utter obsession.
One Sunday it was an absolutely perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there was no wind, there were no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and finally the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him he was too sick to take the Sunday service, he loaded up the car and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Without a care in the world he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, “Look at that preacher. I think he should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to the Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”
The Lord smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”
FBI recruitment test
July 13th, 2009The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
“Do you love your wife?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“Do you love your country?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“What do you love more, your wife or your country?”
“My country, sir.”
“Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says “I can’t do it…”
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says “What happened?!?!”
“The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”
Camouflage Jackets
July 13th, 2009Last Saturday afternoon I just happened to be passing the Army & Navy Surplus Stores, so I decided to drop in and take a look around.
After four or five minutes I went up to the man at the counter and said, “Great selection, but where are your camouflage jackets?”
“Yes sir, they’re awfully good, aren’t they?” he replied.
What can I get for a rib?
July 12th, 2009After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said “Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.”
Adam said “Great! How much will she cost me?”
The answer came back, “An arm and a leg.”
“Well,” said Adam “what can I get for a rib?”
Jesus is a stupid name for a pit bull
July 12th, 2009A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you”. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said “Jesus is watching you”. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, “yes.”
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, “Moses.”
The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”
The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus”.