Archive for the ‘Dirty Jokes’ Category

Parents

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, “If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, “What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”

The kid smiles and says, “I would be a bus driver!”

A Bumble Bee

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!”.

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit”.

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.”

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper”.

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh doctor, doctor!” she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. “Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: “Change of plan, I’m gonna drown the bastard!!”

Urine sample, feces sample and a blood sample

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, “what?” So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

Cheated only three times

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…”

“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.

“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?”

“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

Classroom Observation

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”

Baloons

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up bigger and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ “

Bigger tits recipie

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, ‘I wish I had bigger tits’. The boyfriend says ‘well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months’. ‘How will that help to make my tits bigger?’ asks the girlfriend.
‘Well it worked for your ass’ says the boyfriend.

Monday, July 6th, 2009

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning arrived and the groom went into the bathroom but couldn’t find a towel when he emerged from the shower. He asked his bride to bring him one from the bedroom.

When she got to the bathroom, he opened the door, exposing his body to his bride for the first time in the morning light. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s THAT?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

If I can and I think I can

Monday, July 6th, 2009

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.”

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, “My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby … if I can, and I think I can.”

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, “My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can … and I think can!”

The necessary measures

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

A girl goes to her mother and says: “Mum, I think I’m pregnant”

The mother says: “But didn’t I tell you to take the necessary measures?”

The daughter replies: “But thats just what I did, I measured them all and then went with the biggest…”