Archive for the ‘Dirty Jokes’ Category

Obsessions

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
“Come on, Dick, let’s go home.”

New hobby

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Daughter returns home after a party night obviously still quite drunk but in great mood and holding her pants
“Where were you? Who were you with? What did you do?” asks the terrified mother
“Where - I don’t know. With who - I have no idea. What - I don’t know what’s it called, but starting today it’s my new hobby!” replied the daughter

Signs

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times.”

Pickle Slicer

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

there was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, “You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?”

“For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!”

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. “You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too.”

Making a cake

Friday, July 17th, 2009

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park. One day they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl asked: “Mummy, what are they doing?”

The mother hesitates then quickly replies: “Ummm they are making cakes.”

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”

The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?”

Shocked, the mother asks: “How do you know?”

She says: “Because I licked the icing off the sofa!”

Impregnating a cow

Friday, July 17th, 2009

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.

Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”

Two prostitutes - $50

Friday, July 17th, 2009

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: “TWO PROSTITUTES - $50.00.”

A policeman stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER - $50.00.”

Three Nuns

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day, and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the second nun asked.

“I threw them in the trash, of course.”

“Well,” said the second nun, “I was in the Father’s room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms.”

“What did you do?” the first nun asked.

“I poked holes in them.”

“Oh, crap,” said the third nun.

Bear hunting

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter’s shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. “You are hunting me, I’ll bet”, said the bear. “You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!”

The hunter didn’t want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly’s offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, “I am starting to think you aren’t really comming for the hunt, are you?

Big balls

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

3 guys, a grandpa, and a beatiful girl all lived in a small town. All of the guys wanted to marry the girl so the grandpa told them, whoever has the biggest balls by the end of the 2 weeks will get to marry her.

So guy #1 goes to the doctor and tells him: “i need bigger balls by the end of 2 weeks, any help?”. The doc. saids: “Sure, take these pills, 2 a week and your balls will be big!”
Guy #2 does to the same doctor, but intead of taking 2 a week he took 4 a week.
Guy # 3 also goes to the doctor and tells him the situation, but instead, he takes all the pills!

Two weeks passed and they went to the grandpa. He start checking their balls.
He checks guy#1 and says “hmm, baseball size! Good, good”. Then goes to guy#2 and says “hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm, basketball size - very good!”
Then he goes to guy#3: … wait, where is he?
A guy near buy yells “Roll em in, Charlie!”