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Flight welcome message

Sunday, June 14th, 2009

1. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

2. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments.”

3. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate

Tags: flight, Just jokes, message, pilot, welcome
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Be careful with hot coffee on a plain

Saturday, June 13th, 2009

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach said:
“That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Tags: attendant, coffee, Just jokes, pants, plain, spill
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The World’s Smartest Man

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”

The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”

Tags: bill, flight, gates, joke, parachute, smart
Posted in Aircraft, Developers jokes | No Comments »

Blind pilots

Monday, May 25th, 2009

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

Tags: blind, flight, Just jokes, pilot, runway
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First class to Jamaica

Monday, May 18th, 2009

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

Tags: Aircraft, blonde, first class, flight
Posted in Aircraft, Jokes about blondes | No Comments »

What goes up a hill with three legs?

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Tags: developer, engineer, flight, fun, game, puzzle
Posted in Aircraft, Developers jokes | No Comments »

Aircraft Mechanics

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a ‘gripe sheet’ report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, and then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world’s major airlines.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.

1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.

1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Ordered and installed new live bugs.

1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Could not reproduce the problem when testing in the hangar

1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.

1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.

1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That’s what they’re there for.

1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you’re right.

1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.

Tags: Aircraft, mechanic, pilot, problem
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Work Countdown Fun Stuff

Archive for the ‘Aircraft’ Category

Flight welcome message

Be careful with hot coffee on a plain

The World’s Smartest Man

Blind pilots

First class to Jamaica

What goes up a hill with three legs?

Aircraft Mechanics

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