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2009 June - Part 2

Archive for June, 2009

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I just ate an attorney

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, already.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.

After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.

After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”

The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate an attorney and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

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Drowned in a vat of Guiness Stout

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda “Please don’t tell me!”
“I must, Brenda… Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim - “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda… He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

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Trouble having erection

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “And that would be?”

“Well,” the Doctor explains, “What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for it.”

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack “healed and ready for action”.

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack groaned, “Probably, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my ass.”

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Lord’s Garden

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

A priest on his way to church on Sunday morning passes one of his non-churchgoing male parishioners hard at work on his garden. Unable to resist the temptation to put the man’s efforts into some kind of divine perspective on the Sabbath, he says: “Good morning, Mr. Jones! What a magnificent job you and the good Lord have been doing on this garden.”

The man looks up, smiles and says: “That’s very kind of you, father. But you should have seen what it looked like when the good Lord had it all to himself!”

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Bill Gates Book of Busiess

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

In Bill Gates’ book, “Business @ The Speed of Thought”, he lays out 11 rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should. He argues that our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE 2 - The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.

RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

RULE 6 - If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try “delousing” the closet in your own room.

RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

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Blonde, new to boating

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was… the trailer!

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The Pope must have sex!

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause….

The Pope replied, “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.”

“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.”

“And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.”

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourthcondition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”

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First child

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

A father-to-be gets into a panic when his wife suddenly goes into labor. He calls up the local hospital and appeals for immediate help: “Er…this is an emergency…we need an ambulance right away…the contractions keep coming every two minutes!”

“Is this her first child?” enquires the nurse.

“No, it’s her husband, you idiot!”

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What time does the library open

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”
“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.
“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”
“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

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The magician and the parrot

Friday, June 26th, 2009

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and ironically the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

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