A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says ‘Hey dude why did you laugh you could’ve gone back and told out families what had happened’.
The 2nd explorer replies, ‘Sorry I just couldn’t stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pinneapples.
The rabbit and the bear were fishing one day. Suddenly the bear caught the golden fish. She asked them to let her go, and she will fulfill three wishes to each of them. Of coures they did and she asked what their wishes are.
“I want all the bears in this forest to be female!” said the bear
“I want a helmet” sait the rabbit
“Done”, said the fish. “What’s number two?”
“I want all the bears in the entire continent to be female!” said the bear
“I want a motorcycle”, asked the rabbit
“Done too. What will be the last one?” asked the golden fish
“I want ALL the bears on the entire Earth to be female!!!” asked the bear
And the rabbit’s last wish was
“And I want the bear to be gay!”
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!” The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?” At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?” The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG
trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
A man on a bus spends much of the journey staring at the guy sitting opposite. Before long the other guy starts staring back and demands to know why he is the focus of so much attention.
“I’m very sorry,” begins the first man, “but if it weren’t for the moustache you’d look just like my wife!”
“But I don’t have a moustache!” protests the other.
“See what I mean?” he replies.
A stingy old attorney, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased attorney’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
“Were you sick?” her mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”
There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
“What condition does he have?” the student asks.
“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”
On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, “I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!”
The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, “I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!”
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions … “What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?” asked the teacher.
“Legs!” Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?” asked the teacher.
“Pockets!” said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, “Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!”