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2009 May - Part 2

Archive for May, 2009

Blind pilots

Monday, May 25th, 2009

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

St. Patrick was an Englishman

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off… watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

I want to be black

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

A white guy walks into the plastic surgeon’s office and asks: “I want to be black, can you do that?” “Yeah, but we’ll have to add 2 inches to your penis, take away 30% of your brain and make you 70% darker.”
“Okay.”
After the operation, the surgeon says “I’m sorry, but we’ve made some mistakes. We cut off 2 inches of your penis, took away 70% of your brain and made you 30% darker, is this okay with you?”
“Si, senor.”

How did the human race start

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin asking, “How did the human race start?”. Sarah Palin answered, “God made Adam and Eve, they had children and all mankind was made.”
The next day the little girl wrote to michelle obama and asked the same question. Michelle obama answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys in africa from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl went to her father and asked, “How come Sarah Palin told me that mankind was created by God, and michelle obama told me mankind evolved from monkeys?”
Her father answeres, “Well, it’s very simple . . . Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and michelle obama told you about hers!”

Taxman in the Church

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’
‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’
‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’
‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.’
‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’
‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi…
‘What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.’

In prison or at work?

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

isn’t so bad…

IN PRISON…….You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK……..You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…….You get three meals a day.
AT WORK……..You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…….You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK……..You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON…….A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK……..You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON……..You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK………You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…….You get your own toilet.
AT WORK……..You have to share.

IN PRISON…….They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK……..You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…….All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK……..You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…….You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK……..You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON……There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…….They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON…….You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK……..You get fired if you get caught.

I like the way you are thinking!

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None.”, replied Johnny “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”

Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.”

Confession

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: “Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?” The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: “Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it’s you in there” The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery.” The janitor looked on the chart and found “Adultery - 20 Hail Mary”. He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord’s name in vain.” The janitor looked down the list “Lord’s name in vail - 5 Hail Marys”, and assigned them. The janitor thought “Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!”

The third parishioner entered and began, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex.” The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither “Anal Sex” nor “Sex, Anal”. He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said “Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?”. The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, “Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk.”

Kissing in the tunnel

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

I’m talking to the one on your knee!

Monday, May 18th, 2009

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”