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2009 May

Archive for May, 2009

The Genius Reverend

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

As one of them left, he shook the minister’s hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein.”

Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday’s comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.

The minister asked, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

Unique pair of shoes

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

A man walks into a shoe store looking for a nice pair of shoes. An assistant asks if he can help, so the man tells the assistant he’s looking for a really nice pair of shoes, a pair like nobody else would have. The assistant leads the man to the back room, opens a draw and pulls out a pair of shoes. He says:
“These are the most unique shoes, made from human skin! They’re $10,000″.
The man looks at them and says they’re a bit pricey, so the assistant says:
“We also have them in black for $2.99″

I thought I’d gone deaf

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
“What’s wrong, Eric?” Jim asked.
“Well didn’t you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Eric.
“Ah, praise God!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

A visit to the mental asylum

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director whatis the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub”
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket?
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.”
Noooooo,” answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest.
“A normal person would pull the drain plug”.

Russia, America and Pakistan

Friday, May 29th, 2009

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US
newspapers read:- “US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians. ”

One week later, the Pakistani press reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 500m, Pakistani scientists have found asolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones”

Hold the lantern, Mike

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
“Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” “Saints be praised, I…” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
“Thanks be to…”
Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?”

Spit it out!

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling:
“SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!”

Drunk on the sidewalk

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?”

“Yep!”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yep.”

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?”

“Yep.”

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?”
“Yep.”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yep.”

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, save me from this man. He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

They gave me a Chihuahua?!

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my guide dog.”

“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a guide dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my guide dog.”

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs.”

The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

The World’s Smartest Man

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”

The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”